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Apr 23, 2026 - WASHINGTON—Bowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arby’s menu Thursday in...
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Aug 22, 2025 - DENVER—In an effort to make sure the young leukemia patient’s night at Coors Field was a special one, Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland pledged Saturday...
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Mar 27, 1996 - NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau...
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Feb 10, 2025 - BOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has...
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Apr 15, 2026 - Roblox announced the introduction of new age-based accounts for young users that allow for greater parental controls, preventing players under 16 from fully...
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Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations - The Onion
Apr 24, 2026 - ST. LOUIS—Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that...
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Apr 22, 2026 - WASHINGTON—Threatening to continue issuing threats if the Islamic Republic did not quickly agree to his demands, President Donald Trump warned Iran on Monday...
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Apr 24, 2026 - VATICAN CITY—In a wild and sacred competition attended by a screaming, raucous crowd of Catholic religious leaders at Saint Peter’s Basilica, hot young priests...
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Apr 14, 2026 - As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the...
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Oct 29, 2024 - WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President Donald Trump accused voters Monday of...
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Apr 22, 2026 - DULUTH, MN—Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it was a dream...
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Mar 25, 2025 - SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced...
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Apr 22, 2026 - WATERBURY, CT—Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had...
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Jan 22, 2026 - PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told...
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Apr 22, 2026 - WASHINGTON—In a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation, President Donald Trump...
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Apr 22, 2026 - COEUR D’ALENE, ID—Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to...
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‘Beef’ Creator Reveals Season 3 Will Focus On Escalating Feud Between Cartoon Mouse, Cat - The Onion
Apr 22, 2026 - LOS ANGELES—Teasing an exciting new direction for the series, Beef showrunner Lee Sung Jin revealed Monday that the third season of his hit Netflix drama would...
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Undeterred Yankees Fan Attempts To Wrestle World Series Trophy Away From Mookie Betts - The Onion
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LeBron Clarifies Which Teammates Are, Are Not His Children - The Onion
Apr 22, 2026 - LOS ANGELES—Seeking to clear up any ambiguity once and for all, four-time NBA Most Valuable Player LeBron James indicated to reporters Friday which of his Los...
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Jun 4, 2025 - Wow, what a lovely backyard! It sure was kind of that family to hoist me so high into the air so I could enjoy swaying back and forth in the breeze and taking...
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Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting - The Onion
May 19, 2025 - TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end...
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Sometimes Two People Just Fall Out Of Cahoots - The Onion
Mar 16, 2026 - Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s always going to hurt, whether it was your decision or your partner’s. But that doesn’t mean anyone did...
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Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’ - The Onion
Jan 27, 2021 - Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.
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'Archie' Gets A Gay Character - The Onion
Apr 27, 2010 - A gay student named Kevin will be introduced this September in an issue of Veronica, part of the Archie Comics franchise. What do you think?
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Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already - The Onion
Jul 17, 2025 - WORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to...
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